Forgive me for not mourning last week’s demise of Spirit Airlines, the company responsible for making flying absolutely terrible. Due to rising expenses and billions of dollars in debt, Spirit shut down abruptly last Saturday, stranding thousands of customers who were unaware that an entire business meant to transport them through the sky was about to shutter for good.
Spirit was struggling for years, but it all got so much worse thanks to the soaring cost of jet fuel caused by the war in Iran and the crisis in the strait of Hormuz that halted the shipment of oil. It was bad enough being the country’s most ridiculed mode of conveyance outside of the Segway. But now it costs even more to suck that badly.
As a parent who occasionally has to schlep his child from one city to another for holidays or vacations, I can’t imagine making my travel time more inconvenient, despite any potential cost savings associated with said misery. We’re living through times defined by post-September 11 security theatre, Covid-era health concerns, a TSA shutdown, and now flight prices surging thanks to the strait closure. At this point, I’d rather be rolled up in a filthy rug and beaten with crowbars than even consider flying with my child unless absolutely necessary.My son is eight, so at least he’s not the “infinite sobbing” toddler and can entertain himself. But he is also very capable of complaining – about long wait times, lines, bad food, spotty wifi, strange smells. AKA all the things that make “friendly skies” what they are. He’s not quite old enough to understand that things can and will be inconvenient, that more often than not, life is full of minor issues that are so systemic that it’s not even worth commenting on. Imagine that innocence on Spirit Airlines. It was an airline for the young, but not that young.
I flew Spirit once, on a dare during college, as though getting on a budget airline was as amusing to witness as a game of Edward 40 Hands. As advertised, the services were minimal. The amenities were nonexistent. At most, they might spray you with water like a naughty cat to keep you from fainting. I could tolerate it because I was in college, and therefore drunk most of the time. Your 20s are an era of being perfectly happy sleeping on a bare, cold linoleum floor every so often, and at least Spirit Airlines offered you a seat to sleep in. But that was about it, in terms of “offers”.
Any joy one could derive from a plane flight was sucked out by the voracious need for profit. Shockingly, making people actively unhappy is not a good business model. If I had to fly and the only airline I could afford was Spirit, I’d choose other, more comfortable arrangements for my travel – hitchhiking, sneaking into the cargo hold of a cruise ship, shoving myself into a pine box and shipping my body via UPS, or being swallowed by a large whale.
In a way, Spirit was ahead of its time. It made everything about flying – checked baggage, food, drinks, seat assignments, leg room, wifi – a fee-based service. Pretty much every airline does that now, finding new ways to monetize the experience of travel. But by not offering anything “premium” and instead making the bare essentials something you had to pay for, they alienated many potential customers who are willing to pay any price to be comfortable.
And as the oil crisis continues with no signs of a breakthrough, flying might actually get worse. Either airlines will pass the larger cost of fuel to the customer through raised fares, or they’ll institute more Spirit-esque money-making schemes. Can they start charging per-hour for the use of the completely ineffectual fans above your seat? Will I have to get used to buying the Biscoff cookies on my Delta flight instead of begging for a second free one? Will barf bags be replaced with reusable barf Tupperware containers that can be hosed down after each flight?
The current administration would hope you don’t see the connection between instability in the Middle East and why you can’t afford to fly to see grandma one last time before her pacemaker melts. Maybe the reason gas costs so much and airlines are closing shop is because of Joe Biden, twirling his evil mustache as he manipulates the levers of global oil trading from his underground lair inside a dormant volcano. I can’t imagine that working as a satisfactory explanation for problems that are happening now, as opposed to three years ago. But I’m sure Donald Trump will keep trying.
Perhaps the only benefit to this whole mess is that my son will learn a valuable lesson this summer. On our next trip out of town, he’ll get firsthand experience with the new world he’s going to inherit: diminished services, interruptions, cancellations and inhospitable conditions. He can’t just sit around watching YouTube videos of monkeys combing their hair any longer. Welcome to the real world, kid. If you want ice in your drink, it’s gonna cost you.